I thought this retreat was gonna be like any other retreat. To be very honest, at first I was more worried about the decorations and if there was enough space for everyone to sleep. Not once, while we were getting ready for this retreat, did I think to myself “OMG I WANNA BE BLESSED.”
The past two years of my life have been dreadful and very tough. If I could explain in one word, I felt like I was drowning. Every single day I struggled with my identity, my insecurities, my anxieties, and even my reason to live. I couldn’t understand why God gave me all this suffering in my life and I was constantly blaming Him for everything that was going on. This made me feel so guilty and it felt like there was no way out, not a single answer to my questions, and no light at the end of the tunnel.
This getaway we had the privilege of having Pastor Will Chung speak for us. I’ve always loved his sermons, and they have always been an encouragement for me when I was going through hard times. Although I knew Pastor Will, he didn’t know who I was. And despite that, God somehow used him to talk to me.
During our second service, God’s Word addressed how we are fearfully and wonderfully made, how we are fearfully set apart, and how our days are numbered by God. The sermon felt so heavy in my heart because I couldn’t let go of my insecurities. I couldn’t truly believe that I was really fearfully and wonderfully made by Him, and that He was in control of my life when it felt like my life was a mess. As the service was ending, we had a moment for prayer, and as I stood there, I couldn’t pray or try to explain to God what was going on in my head. The only words that came out of my mouth were “I’m tired, Lord. I can’t do this.” Suddenly I felt a hand upon my head, and Pastor Will started praying for me, and his prayer broke me because he put into words the overwhelming truths that I myself couldn’t express. That’s when I saw how much God truly loves and knows me. I witnessed how He is capable of using someone who doesn’t know my story, who doesn’t know what I’m going through, who doesn’t even know my name, to pray the exact prayer that I needed.
I would love to tell you guys that I’m fully healed and that now I’m closer to God than ever, but I’m not. I still struggle, still have my anxieties, still have insecurities, but after this getaway I know where to begin: God.